What would I say?

Via ETSY on Facebook
 Etsy posted this picture on their Facebook page and it just struck a nerve. I'm not sure that I should tell my past self anything. I don't really feel like I've made the best life decisions, but that just means I'm even less qualified to give myself advice. I could tell my past self a few things that may make her life a little less stressful along the way, maybe. 

 1) Go on ahead and change your major! Stressing out and spending nights at school while pregnant or while parenting a small child to barely pass organic chemistry is NOT WORTH IT. That degree you are working so hard for isn't going to amount to anything anyway. Choose something that you can actually use instead.
2) If you didn't take the advice in #1 then: DO NOT QUIT your easy, pays well, great benefits, works with your life plan job to work "in the science field." That job was the worst, ever and you compromised the few morals you have to do it. That job will spell the end of your wedding and science career dreams. If you must, just hold out for a different PI.
3) Didn't listen to #1 or #2? Doesn't matter, the only thing I can say for sure is: Put on your big girl panties. Prepare yourself for the hardest lessons you have had to learn and be ready to let go. There is a lot to let go of. It's really hard to let go of a lot of it, most of it, but I think it's the only way to come to terms with life. I mean the life you actually got, not the one you thought you'd have or the one you imagined growing up. Figure out how to be happy with what you have and not keep searching. There is always something bigger, brighter, shinier, more expensive, more beautiful, more trendy, more fun, just more... Let it go. You'd probably save yourself a lot of time and tears and angst, but I suspect that this is an on-going, life-long battle to wage.

A Short Job Rant

I hope that someday I have a job which provides for me the means by which I can take my family out to eat, sign the Munchkin up for all the classes her little heart and feet desire, take my pet to the vet for his shots (on time!), maybe that job might even provide enough for me to have some squirreled away. I hope that my imaginary job doesn't suck too much or force me to spend too many hours away from my family. Mostly, though, I just want said job to provide a small measure of security. A padded landing so the thought of taking my child to the doctor doesn't panic me when I consider the copay.

Yes, I know we could skip Ren Faire and Disney and we could have turned down those season ticket opportunities, but now it's too late. (Not that I don't have a whole barrel of guilt about these things and many, many more) It's not just my money. I have too many things to spend on and nothing to spend. More applications, more "smiling" through my phony "please hire me" BS on the endless forms I keep filling out and there is still no job and still no money.

maybe someday.

Mommy Moment

The Munchkin in 2006

     I just had a Mommy Moment. A moment that shoots you back to childhood, back to a time when you promised yourself that when you were a Mommy you would share this with your daughter. Maybe you aren't like me, didn't have such silly fleeting thoughts about your future parenting skills. Let me back up, I wasn't really a little girl who grew up dreaming about being a Mommy. I had my moments, carried my baby dolls around and played house, but the times where I actually imagined being a parent were few and far between. When the the extra little blue line on that strip popped up five years ago I was pretty shocked and completely caught off guard. Now, she is my life. Literally, because as a stay/work at home mom, my whole life  is about her. Since I run a tiny in home daycare even my work is about the monkey. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen different forks on my way through life, but looking back I don't regret the choices that lead me here. I love my family and my life, no matter how difficult it seems some days.
     The me of ten years ago could never have imagined the woman she would become. The dancing science nerd who was going to conquer the world of DNA science and free innocent people from prison with DNA evidence would never have even considered the life that awaits her. A life full of messes and crying, giggles and screams, sewing and crafting, baking and swim lessons, play dates and Dr.Suess. She knew exactly where she was going and all that domestic stuff would never make her happy. Now the me of twenty years ago, she had more time so she could imagine many, many more possibilities. The me of twenty years ago hadn't narrowed down any options yet so she could see the day, in one future, where she and her child would sit and have tea parties and play dress up or curl up and read some books. She was a lot closer to the truth. Here is my Mommy Moment;

     We had a surprise birthday tea party for the Munchkin's American Girl doll, Lyssa. She and I worked tirelessly through the afternoon creating custom party hats for the party goers. The super select invite list included only: munchkin, me, Grey and Purple kitties, Shamu, Izzy the Tiger, and Puppy. We baked some blueberry muffins for the occasion, since those are Lyssa's favorite, of course. Munchkin thoughtfully chose the liners for the party muffins and carefully measured the ingredients. The best part was, it was fun! I am the first to admit that there are things that would entertain my child for hours on end that I do not like doing. This was a blast for both of us! She carefully set a place for each guest, offering tea or coffee and snacks besides the muffins while I served some ice tea for the breathing guests. When everything was just so, she went to get the guest of honor and I (and the other guests, of course) shouted "Surprise!" when she returned. Lyssa blew out her candle, with a little help from munchkin, after we sang Happy Birthday.
     I remember thinking "This is the stuff I've been waiting for!" Because, these are the kinds of things she'll remember as she grows up. She will remember that I get grouchy in the mornings, that sometimes I lose my patience too fast but, I hope she will also remember that I love to dance and sing off key when no one is home but us, and she'll remember her favorite books we read together, the artwork we've made, and she will remember that we had birthday tea parties for Lyssa. When the party finally came to an end and the guests went back to their homes in Munchkin's room, we sat on the sofa and watched the Cowboys beat the 49ers. That's something that even the me of ten years ago could have appreciated.