I'm Still Here!!

I haven't forgotten my blogs, I've just not been all that motivated to update them lately. I'm sorry. There has been lots going on, especially with Christmas and all the December birthdays we have around here. My best friend just had her baby and I swear he is the cutest baby boy I've ever seen! I'm desperately playing catch up with a lot, an overwhelming lot of stuff that I have on my plate. Nonetheless, blogging is one of the things on my plate that I actually tend to enjoy (or at least find cathartic) so I decided that I could prioritize this for the morning. Keep your eyes peeled, between all four blogs I have lots of posts that should be popping up soon!!

What would I say?

Via ETSY on Facebook
 Etsy posted this picture on their Facebook page and it just struck a nerve. I'm not sure that I should tell my past self anything. I don't really feel like I've made the best life decisions, but that just means I'm even less qualified to give myself advice. I could tell my past self a few things that may make her life a little less stressful along the way, maybe. 

 1) Go on ahead and change your major! Stressing out and spending nights at school while pregnant or while parenting a small child to barely pass organic chemistry is NOT WORTH IT. That degree you are working so hard for isn't going to amount to anything anyway. Choose something that you can actually use instead.
2) If you didn't take the advice in #1 then: DO NOT QUIT your easy, pays well, great benefits, works with your life plan job to work "in the science field." That job was the worst, ever and you compromised the few morals you have to do it. That job will spell the end of your wedding and science career dreams. If you must, just hold out for a different PI.
3) Didn't listen to #1 or #2? Doesn't matter, the only thing I can say for sure is: Put on your big girl panties. Prepare yourself for the hardest lessons you have had to learn and be ready to let go. There is a lot to let go of. It's really hard to let go of a lot of it, most of it, but I think it's the only way to come to terms with life. I mean the life you actually got, not the one you thought you'd have or the one you imagined growing up. Figure out how to be happy with what you have and not keep searching. There is always something bigger, brighter, shinier, more expensive, more beautiful, more trendy, more fun, just more... Let it go. You'd probably save yourself a lot of time and tears and angst, but I suspect that this is an on-going, life-long battle to wage.

A Short Job Rant

I hope that someday I have a job which provides for me the means by which I can take my family out to eat, sign the Munchkin up for all the classes her little heart and feet desire, take my pet to the vet for his shots (on time!), maybe that job might even provide enough for me to have some squirreled away. I hope that my imaginary job doesn't suck too much or force me to spend too many hours away from my family. Mostly, though, I just want said job to provide a small measure of security. A padded landing so the thought of taking my child to the doctor doesn't panic me when I consider the copay.

Yes, I know we could skip Ren Faire and Disney and we could have turned down those season ticket opportunities, but now it's too late. (Not that I don't have a whole barrel of guilt about these things and many, many more) It's not just my money. I have too many things to spend on and nothing to spend. More applications, more "smiling" through my phony "please hire me" BS on the endless forms I keep filling out and there is still no job and still no money.

maybe someday.

Mommy Moment

The Munchkin in 2006

     I just had a Mommy Moment. A moment that shoots you back to childhood, back to a time when you promised yourself that when you were a Mommy you would share this with your daughter. Maybe you aren't like me, didn't have such silly fleeting thoughts about your future parenting skills. Let me back up, I wasn't really a little girl who grew up dreaming about being a Mommy. I had my moments, carried my baby dolls around and played house, but the times where I actually imagined being a parent were few and far between. When the the extra little blue line on that strip popped up five years ago I was pretty shocked and completely caught off guard. Now, she is my life. Literally, because as a stay/work at home mom, my whole life  is about her. Since I run a tiny in home daycare even my work is about the monkey. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen different forks on my way through life, but looking back I don't regret the choices that lead me here. I love my family and my life, no matter how difficult it seems some days.
     The me of ten years ago could never have imagined the woman she would become. The dancing science nerd who was going to conquer the world of DNA science and free innocent people from prison with DNA evidence would never have even considered the life that awaits her. A life full of messes and crying, giggles and screams, sewing and crafting, baking and swim lessons, play dates and Dr.Suess. She knew exactly where she was going and all that domestic stuff would never make her happy. Now the me of twenty years ago, she had more time so she could imagine many, many more possibilities. The me of twenty years ago hadn't narrowed down any options yet so she could see the day, in one future, where she and her child would sit and have tea parties and play dress up or curl up and read some books. She was a lot closer to the truth. Here is my Mommy Moment;

     We had a surprise birthday tea party for the Munchkin's American Girl doll, Lyssa. She and I worked tirelessly through the afternoon creating custom party hats for the party goers. The super select invite list included only: munchkin, me, Grey and Purple kitties, Shamu, Izzy the Tiger, and Puppy. We baked some blueberry muffins for the occasion, since those are Lyssa's favorite, of course. Munchkin thoughtfully chose the liners for the party muffins and carefully measured the ingredients. The best part was, it was fun! I am the first to admit that there are things that would entertain my child for hours on end that I do not like doing. This was a blast for both of us! She carefully set a place for each guest, offering tea or coffee and snacks besides the muffins while I served some ice tea for the breathing guests. When everything was just so, she went to get the guest of honor and I (and the other guests, of course) shouted "Surprise!" when she returned. Lyssa blew out her candle, with a little help from munchkin, after we sang Happy Birthday.
     I remember thinking "This is the stuff I've been waiting for!" Because, these are the kinds of things she'll remember as she grows up. She will remember that I get grouchy in the mornings, that sometimes I lose my patience too fast but, I hope she will also remember that I love to dance and sing off key when no one is home but us, and she'll remember her favorite books we read together, the artwork we've made, and she will remember that we had birthday tea parties for Lyssa. When the party finally came to an end and the guests went back to their homes in Munchkin's room, we sat on the sofa and watched the Cowboys beat the 49ers. That's something that even the me of ten years ago could have appreciated.

I love summer, but I didn't realize how much I loved our air conditioner until it died. I am aware that some parts of the country are already experiencing the first horrible tendrils of winter. The first cold (instead of just cool) nights and mornings. The yearly rearranging of the closets to make space for larger sweaters and jackets and thick pants and boots instead of my beloved summer dresses and flip flops and capris and tank tops and tan lines. I always miss summer when it's gone, but this year I might miss it a little less. Well, that's probably going too far, I think this year the transition might be easier because it is so miserably hot in my home right now. Our magic AC man is supposed to come this weekend and install our brand-spankin'-spiffy-new-freon unit. I don't know how I am going to make it that long. I shouldn't complain, he is doing it at a HUGELY discounted rate and I appreciate that he is saving us thousands of dollars. Really, I do. It's just that it's almost 100(!) outside, this is south Texas after all. And it's been out since this last weekend. And it's only Tuesday. I guess I should be especially thankful that is is late September and not early August when we were in a ridiculously long drought and the heat index was above 110 for weeks. We are stocked up on ice cream sandwiches and Popsicles. I need a sun tea pitcher, though. It's too hot to even consider using the stove or the oven so far. I know I'll actually have to cook for my family eventually, thus far we have been living on takeout and sandwiches. Thanks to my mom and all our wonderful friends who have offered us a cool place to hang out while we get this taken care of!

What is it about the ocean that makes me feel like a new person for a while?

Pic Update

You can turn back now. You can close out your browser window and pretend you never saw this. Really, that would be ok. No? Well, I tried.

Here is the picture update I promised to do. I really don't want to post his, but in my effort to be more accountable about my weight loss...

No noticeable difference in the pics, but I have lost 1.5" from my waist and a couple of pounds. I did work out today, at least. I found Barre workouts on our new OnDemand options with cable and it's a lot like taking a quick dance stretch class in the living room. Plus I threw in some yoga today, for the hell of it. Just gotta keep trucking...

Confessions

So here it is... Forgive me followers for I have sinned: I haven't worked out since I logged on to brag about my wonderful fit test results, two weeks ago. Im embarrassed to admit it, but at least thus far all my followers are IRL friends who already know I've been a lazy bum. Im not losing weight, surprise surprise there. Im eating all kinds of horrible things and baking like a madwoman. I've made peanut butter brownie bites and play dough cookies in the last few days.

It's time for a new set of progress pics. I'm a little worried they aren't going to be progressing in the right direction, though. Look out for those a little later on. You have been warned, you don't have to look if you don't wanna. I know I don't.

Time to get re-motivated...again. I've recently discovered Pinterest.com* and I made a special board just for what I am calling Fitspiration. Maybe if I look at it and find new pins for it frequently then I can maintain my momentum instead of this start and stop crap. We also recently switched from Tivo to a regular TimeWarner dvr. I am not thrilled with this change, except for OnDemand. Not only can I catch up on my shows and watch movies, but they have a channel devoted to exercise!! I'm going to try it out for my evening workout tonight. It dawned on me that perhaps I was a little ambitious trying to dive into fitness by doing Insanity. I'm not giving up on it, but I think maybe I need to work my way up to that.

I'm not sure, maybe I am just making excuses, but I'm trying not to be an all or nothing loser. As it stands, either I am all in: working out hard and watching my intake and water or I am all out: bingeing on fatty carbs and firmly planted in my favorite corner of the sofa. I need a middle of the road, I need to find the balance to keep going. So, new approach for the moment: slightly less challenging workout regime and more healthful foods and water.

"The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good.They must always be answered by the quiet, the steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going." -Graeme Fife


*Let me know if you would like to join Pininterest! Send me an email or leave a comment with your email address and I'll get that invite out asap!

Fit Test

Working out, really just behaving at all, this week has been a challenge. I've taken a few days off that I didn't really need to, but I did workout on the days that I maybe should have taken off. Like one of the days I was working on passing a freakin' kidney stone!!  As a matter of fact, I did my Insanity Fit Test on day two of the stone vs. me. I was really worried that it would affect my results, and maybe it did, but I still managed loads of improvement. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm trying to stay happy with the NSV's so that it's not so hard to deal with when the scale doesn't drop. I haven't been eating the best, so I know why the scale isn't moving. Ugh, back to happy thoughts!

Fit Test Results Day 1 vs Day 14

Switch Kicks  78/ 80

Power Squats  31/ 35

Power Knees  58/ 68

Power Jumps  15/ 21

Globe Jumps  7/ 7

Suicide Jumps  8/ 11

Pushup Jacks  12 /20

Obliques  37/ 50

I should have taken the momentum I had from seeing my results get so much better in two weeks to really push myself through my workout yesterday, but instead I went out with a friend and stuffed my face full of calories and then vegetated on the sofa before passing out. Not my most successful day. Today is a new day! Today I will work on the Everest sized mountain of laundry that is threatening to eat our home if I don't do something. I will finish the dishes that stare accusingly every time I walk through the kitchen. I will work out today. Maybe I'll even get my shit together enough to go spend some birthday money and start a sewing project (or 10, I have a bunch of ideas I want to work with). A trip to the library is on the books for today, also. I promised the monkey that we could go pick out some books if she is well behaved today. It's early, but so far so good! Well, that said, it's time to get off my ass and get to work instead of just talking about it. 

Have a good day!!

Upgraded to Eh

So I did make myself workout. Today was Plyometric Cardio Circuit. It was as awful as I expected and I was a small pool of exhausted sweat by the time it was over, but I do feel better that I did it. I also took a moment to measure myself, hoping against hope that I wasn't giving myself another reason to be upset.

Guess what? I lost 1 1/2" in the last ten days!! And thats because I'm only measuring my neck, waist, and hips plus my weight. No change in the hips, but I lost 1/2" in my neck and a whole inch in my waist! It's slow going, but at least going is going!

After working out,a shower (yay!), a little house cleaning, and dinner & cartoons with my monkey I feel a little better. Sometimes I think I just have to get shit off my chest...hence this blog!

Blah

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

OW!!!

Holy Shit! I am so sore. My whole body hurts, it hurts just to stand up, or sit down, or lay down, or move at all. My legs feel like they weigh half a ton each, it is so much work just to pick up my foot to take a step. Bitching aside, I'm chugging along. I've managed to stay under my calorie count for the last few days. I must admit I'm still eating like crap, but I am eating much less crap. I've also noticed that I'm making an almost unconscious effort to include more veggies in my meals, even if it's still a burger: now it has mushrooms, bell peppers, onions, and lettuce in it. My burgers used to have lettuce and pickles only. I haven't seen any changes on the scale, but I know I just started. My Insanity workouts are kicking my ass, but I'm getting through them. I have to take lots of breaks during the workouts, but I don't let myself stop and turn it off like I want to. I almost puked during yesterdays workout, but I kept going. I've been watching ABC's Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition and I'm hooked.  The trainer on the show, Chris Powell, told one of the show contestants that feeling like you are going to throw up during strenuous workouts is "Your body's temper tantrum." So, when I'm particularly struggling with a part of my workout, when I start to feel queasy or like I just can't push anymore, I tell my body to stop having a tantrum. It is unacceptable behavior from my four-year old and it is absolutely unacceptable for myself. I'm standing in my own way.

I know I am my worst and harshest critic. That is both awesome and horrible!. If I could just use that critic as inspiration, to push me and drive me towards my goal of happy and healthy (and uber hot in a bikini) that would be ideal. Instead, I let that voice inside convince me that I suck. I'm fat because I can't make myself better. I am not worth the effort to take care of myself and since I'll probably fail just like every other time I've tried to do this, well I'm not going to succeed this time either. What's the use in even trying? So, not only am I trying to be healthier and lose weight, I am learning (slowly, very very slowly) to deal with my inside voice. The mean, nasty bitch in my head who tells me I can't do it so I shouldn't even bother. I don't always know how to deal with her. I don't have any rebuttal for her arguments because she is usually telling the truth, at least in part.

So, day by day, meal by meal, work out by workout...I'm working on proving her wrong about this. My calf muscles are my rebuttal today. They hurt like hell and my insanity workout today is going to be super hard, but I can tell that mean bitch in my head, "Look! It hasn't even been a week and look at my calves already! That's why I have to keep pushing." I can do this. I keep telling myself (and Bitch-me) that I can do this. I don't really believe myself yet, but maybe if I keep at I can start to believe the nice-me as much as I believe the bitch-me.

Starting Again: Must Be Smaller

I HAVE got to do something about the size of my ass. I'm unhappy with the way that I look and it is affecting every part of my life.. I don't like getting dressed because I hate the way my clothes look. I hate looking in the mirror so I avoid it as much as possible. I'm short so I can hide most of myself behind the counter in the bathroom so I can just focus on my face and hair when I'm getting ready. I can't stand how I jiggle when I move so that makes short shorts out of the question, even in the 100# degree heat of south Texas. And swimwear? Talk about  nightmare, My swimsuit is a two piece so I can make sure it doesn't look too tight. This is fine when I'm in the water, but as soon as it gets wet it clings...bad news bears! If I can't stand to look at that, why should I be okay with anyone else seeing me that way?  I worry about my health, I don't want to be a diabetic like so many hispanics I see. I really don't want to take hypertension meds and have joint problems and everything else that goes with being fat. I also really, really, really don't want to *HAVE* to resort to bariatric surgeryAnd one of the biggest issues, how can I let my boyfriend get close to me? How can I be comfortable with him touching me, looking at me? I know he loves me, and he makes sure to tell me regularly that he loves me no matter how I look. He says I'm beautiful and that I look hot in lingerie...I just can't see it. I have tried (over and over and over) to lose weight before, even succeeded for a while last year, but I always fall back into my old habits and the weight creeps back up. So, that said, something must be done. 

That something is one of the scariest things I've ever done. I'm not sure how many people will even see this post, and I must admit that I would be okay if it stays in the hidden depths of internet obscurity forever. So, even with the chance that it may not, here I am. I am posting my "almost-before" pictures. I am so ashamed of these pictures and these are after I have already lost a little over 20lbs last year. I have another 60lbs to go, at least. 

So the plan now: I started the Insanity Challenge today. My fit test went well and I hope I'm ready for the real workouts that start tomorrow. I want to get a gym membership, but I'm worried about the added expense to our already very strained bank accounts. I'm also counting calories with an app for my iPhone called My Fitness Pal Calorie Counter. I've used others in the past and I really liked them, but this one is pretty great so far. I have real life friends who use it so I'm hoping that will help keep me more accountable since I know the face on the other side of the computer screen. Plan in a nutshell: eat less, work out 6 days a week, post a progress pic every 4 weeks. The end goal: lose 60lbs. My current short term goal: fit, comfortably, in my size 10 dress jeans. So, here I go!

The First Post

This blog is going to be my vent. There may be some happy moments, especially if my weight loss efforts pay off, but I'm sorry to say there will probably be more bitching and moaning than celebrating. Mostly, I hope that if I can get it all out here, maybe I won't have to force my friends to sit and listen to me as often. You have been warned. I may be yapping on and on about my relationship, my daughter, my fat ass not shrinking in a timely manner, who knows? Read on to find out, it'll be a surprise for all of us.

Hope you enjoy, feel free to let me know what you think of my posts, but don't be offended if I tell you what I think of your comments.

Have a great day!!