OW!!!

Holy Shit! I am so sore. My whole body hurts, it hurts just to stand up, or sit down, or lay down, or move at all. My legs feel like they weigh half a ton each, it is so much work just to pick up my foot to take a step. Bitching aside, I'm chugging along. I've managed to stay under my calorie count for the last few days. I must admit I'm still eating like crap, but I am eating much less crap. I've also noticed that I'm making an almost unconscious effort to include more veggies in my meals, even if it's still a burger: now it has mushrooms, bell peppers, onions, and lettuce in it. My burgers used to have lettuce and pickles only. I haven't seen any changes on the scale, but I know I just started. My Insanity workouts are kicking my ass, but I'm getting through them. I have to take lots of breaks during the workouts, but I don't let myself stop and turn it off like I want to. I almost puked during yesterdays workout, but I kept going. I've been watching ABC's Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition and I'm hooked.  The trainer on the show, Chris Powell, told one of the show contestants that feeling like you are going to throw up during strenuous workouts is "Your body's temper tantrum." So, when I'm particularly struggling with a part of my workout, when I start to feel queasy or like I just can't push anymore, I tell my body to stop having a tantrum. It is unacceptable behavior from my four-year old and it is absolutely unacceptable for myself. I'm standing in my own way.

I know I am my worst and harshest critic. That is both awesome and horrible!. If I could just use that critic as inspiration, to push me and drive me towards my goal of happy and healthy (and uber hot in a bikini) that would be ideal. Instead, I let that voice inside convince me that I suck. I'm fat because I can't make myself better. I am not worth the effort to take care of myself and since I'll probably fail just like every other time I've tried to do this, well I'm not going to succeed this time either. What's the use in even trying? So, not only am I trying to be healthier and lose weight, I am learning (slowly, very very slowly) to deal with my inside voice. The mean, nasty bitch in my head who tells me I can't do it so I shouldn't even bother. I don't always know how to deal with her. I don't have any rebuttal for her arguments because she is usually telling the truth, at least in part.

So, day by day, meal by meal, work out by workout...I'm working on proving her wrong about this. My calf muscles are my rebuttal today. They hurt like hell and my insanity workout today is going to be super hard, but I can tell that mean bitch in my head, "Look! It hasn't even been a week and look at my calves already! That's why I have to keep pushing." I can do this. I keep telling myself (and Bitch-me) that I can do this. I don't really believe myself yet, but maybe if I keep at I can start to believe the nice-me as much as I believe the bitch-me.

Starting Again: Must Be Smaller

I HAVE got to do something about the size of my ass. I'm unhappy with the way that I look and it is affecting every part of my life.. I don't like getting dressed because I hate the way my clothes look. I hate looking in the mirror so I avoid it as much as possible. I'm short so I can hide most of myself behind the counter in the bathroom so I can just focus on my face and hair when I'm getting ready. I can't stand how I jiggle when I move so that makes short shorts out of the question, even in the 100# degree heat of south Texas. And swimwear? Talk about  nightmare, My swimsuit is a two piece so I can make sure it doesn't look too tight. This is fine when I'm in the water, but as soon as it gets wet it clings...bad news bears! If I can't stand to look at that, why should I be okay with anyone else seeing me that way?  I worry about my health, I don't want to be a diabetic like so many hispanics I see. I really don't want to take hypertension meds and have joint problems and everything else that goes with being fat. I also really, really, really don't want to *HAVE* to resort to bariatric surgeryAnd one of the biggest issues, how can I let my boyfriend get close to me? How can I be comfortable with him touching me, looking at me? I know he loves me, and he makes sure to tell me regularly that he loves me no matter how I look. He says I'm beautiful and that I look hot in lingerie...I just can't see it. I have tried (over and over and over) to lose weight before, even succeeded for a while last year, but I always fall back into my old habits and the weight creeps back up. So, that said, something must be done. 

That something is one of the scariest things I've ever done. I'm not sure how many people will even see this post, and I must admit that I would be okay if it stays in the hidden depths of internet obscurity forever. So, even with the chance that it may not, here I am. I am posting my "almost-before" pictures. I am so ashamed of these pictures and these are after I have already lost a little over 20lbs last year. I have another 60lbs to go, at least. 

So the plan now: I started the Insanity Challenge today. My fit test went well and I hope I'm ready for the real workouts that start tomorrow. I want to get a gym membership, but I'm worried about the added expense to our already very strained bank accounts. I'm also counting calories with an app for my iPhone called My Fitness Pal Calorie Counter. I've used others in the past and I really liked them, but this one is pretty great so far. I have real life friends who use it so I'm hoping that will help keep me more accountable since I know the face on the other side of the computer screen. Plan in a nutshell: eat less, work out 6 days a week, post a progress pic every 4 weeks. The end goal: lose 60lbs. My current short term goal: fit, comfortably, in my size 10 dress jeans. So, here I go!

The First Post

This blog is going to be my vent. There may be some happy moments, especially if my weight loss efforts pay off, but I'm sorry to say there will probably be more bitching and moaning than celebrating. Mostly, I hope that if I can get it all out here, maybe I won't have to force my friends to sit and listen to me as often. You have been warned. I may be yapping on and on about my relationship, my daughter, my fat ass not shrinking in a timely manner, who knows? Read on to find out, it'll be a surprise for all of us.

Hope you enjoy, feel free to let me know what you think of my posts, but don't be offended if I tell you what I think of your comments.

Have a great day!!