OW!!!

Holy Shit! I am so sore. My whole body hurts, it hurts just to stand up, or sit down, or lay down, or move at all. My legs feel like they weigh half a ton each, it is so much work just to pick up my foot to take a step. Bitching aside, I'm chugging along. I've managed to stay under my calorie count for the last few days. I must admit I'm still eating like crap, but I am eating much less crap. I've also noticed that I'm making an almost unconscious effort to include more veggies in my meals, even if it's still a burger: now it has mushrooms, bell peppers, onions, and lettuce in it. My burgers used to have lettuce and pickles only. I haven't seen any changes on the scale, but I know I just started. My Insanity workouts are kicking my ass, but I'm getting through them. I have to take lots of breaks during the workouts, but I don't let myself stop and turn it off like I want to. I almost puked during yesterdays workout, but I kept going. I've been watching ABC's Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition and I'm hooked.  The trainer on the show, Chris Powell, told one of the show contestants that feeling like you are going to throw up during strenuous workouts is "Your body's temper tantrum." So, when I'm particularly struggling with a part of my workout, when I start to feel queasy or like I just can't push anymore, I tell my body to stop having a tantrum. It is unacceptable behavior from my four-year old and it is absolutely unacceptable for myself. I'm standing in my own way.

I know I am my worst and harshest critic. That is both awesome and horrible!. If I could just use that critic as inspiration, to push me and drive me towards my goal of happy and healthy (and uber hot in a bikini) that would be ideal. Instead, I let that voice inside convince me that I suck. I'm fat because I can't make myself better. I am not worth the effort to take care of myself and since I'll probably fail just like every other time I've tried to do this, well I'm not going to succeed this time either. What's the use in even trying? So, not only am I trying to be healthier and lose weight, I am learning (slowly, very very slowly) to deal with my inside voice. The mean, nasty bitch in my head who tells me I can't do it so I shouldn't even bother. I don't always know how to deal with her. I don't have any rebuttal for her arguments because she is usually telling the truth, at least in part.

So, day by day, meal by meal, work out by workout...I'm working on proving her wrong about this. My calf muscles are my rebuttal today. They hurt like hell and my insanity workout today is going to be super hard, but I can tell that mean bitch in my head, "Look! It hasn't even been a week and look at my calves already! That's why I have to keep pushing." I can do this. I keep telling myself (and Bitch-me) that I can do this. I don't really believe myself yet, but maybe if I keep at I can start to believe the nice-me as much as I believe the bitch-me.